Should you ever snitch on a nanny? « angels & urchins blog

Should you ever snitch on a nanny?
Monday, November 9th, 2009

When is it acceptable to snitch on someone’s nanny? The simple answer is, of course, if you see her doing something unsafe with someone else’s children. You’d do the same if you saw anyone putting youngsters in their charge in danger. Wouldn’t you? Like most things in life, the answer is rarely so clear cut. A friend once called about my part-time nanny, saying ‘I don’t want to fry your brain, but… I saw your nanny with two of the boys today. They were going far too fast on their scooters, whizzed around a corner where she couldn’t possibly see them, and if anything had happened, she couldn’t have got to them quickly enough’. Horrifying images loomed, the friend felt awful, and I felt terrible. Not primarily because of the nanny, in fact, but because allowing the boys to ‘let off steam’ is the kind my husband and I do the entire time. Racing around corners on scooters is the least of it, so the friend’s comment was a wake-up call to all of us. But a nursery mother saw something similar recently, and refused to tell the mother involved because she was so embarrassed. ‘It’s like telling her she’s made a duff choice of nanny’. Another sees a friend’s nanny every day in the park looking bored and endlessly texting, but feels she can’t say anything because the mother already feels guilty about being away from the children. She also remembers another friend telling tales on a nanny she saw hustling her charges into McDonald’s. The mother has a strict no-junk policy, which the telltale knew about, not knowing that the nanny had been given the green light for a special outing while mum was in hospital having her third baby. Despite her good intentions, the friend was left feeling like a schoolgirl ‘dobber’ with far too much time on her hands to twitch the net curtains.

Leaving your children to be looked after by someone else is usually a difficult thing to do. Most mothers would prefer to be with their children fulltime, however much they enjoy their work (or their sanity-saving gym appointment). You want to feel you can trust your childcare implicitly, you want them to like your children, and you need them to like you. And while they’re never going to do everything in quite the way you will, it comes as a shock to hear that the nanny isn’t as saintly as she might sometimes appear. Which is why sometimes mothers look the other way at indiscretions like texting, in much the same way as they might with a husband’s regular casino (or worse) nights. In other words, they know what’s going on, but don’t want to upset the apple cart. Which means being less than happy about your insights.

If I saw a friend’s nanny clearly out of control of the children, I like to think I’d pick up the phone. But if I saw her giving them some pick ‘n’ mix, or sending the occasional text, I’d probably stay out of it. Wouldn’t you?

Quick addendum to this post. This morning, I took my own advice and snitched on a nanny. She was pushing the buggy up the hill, smoking a cigarette and yacking into her mobile. I took a deep breath, and called the mother. Her response was extremely frosty, to say the least. So now I really am scratching my head.

Tags: The Urchin Rants

14 Responses to “Should you ever snitch on a nanny?”

Rosie Scribble says:

November 9, 2009 at 22:07

I’d certainly mention something if it was serious enough. I’d want someone to do the same thing for me if it involved someone who looked after my child.
nappyvalleygirl says:

November 9, 2009 at 22:57

Isn’t there a website where you can do it anonymously – I think it’s “Isawyournanny.com” or something.

I think that I would only do it if it was something pretty serious. No-one’s perfect after all – I can’t tell you how many times my boys have raced off round corners on their scooters when they are with ME……
Wife of bold says:

November 10, 2009 at 14:38

It’s a tough one and i think i’d keep stum unless it was seriously putting the children in danger – everyone has off days and kids have difficult days, where even their mother can struggle to like them let alone their nanny
Brit In Bosnia says:

November 11, 2009 at 07:48

Did the friend who told you off about the scooters have girls? Mine race on their scooters all the time despite me racing behind them (puffing) and screeching come back here. I’m with Nappy Valley Girl. If it was serious or something that I know would bother the mother and was consistently happening.

I’m so far removed from having a nanny that I’m just relieved this is one parenting dilemma I shall never have to deal with!
angels&urchinsblog says:

November 11, 2009 at 10:45

RosieScribble – I guess it’s just deciding when it’s ‘serious’ enough, as my recent run in with the smoking nanny showed. Talk about shooting the messenger!

Nappyvalleygirl – only problem is, how would you let them know about the website? And you’d have to be pretty specific about what you’d seen. A friend snitched to a nursery head, which seemed to work well – the head had to be the messenger, and is probably good at phrasing things in a non ‘your nanny is a numpty’ way. I’ll look out for the website though – hope my nanny isn’t on there!

Wife of Bold – so true. I often wonder how anyone can stay patient with other people’s children when it’s hard enough to do the same yourself. Nannies, au pairs, childminders are usually pretty amazing.

Brit in Bosnia – er, funnily enough, yes. Endless girls, in fact. And when you get a fab nanny, life and work are great. I’m lucky to work part time, but even then there are times when I wish it was me in the playground. Even if I’d probably just be screeching at the scooter boys.
Brit In Bosnia says:

November 11, 2009 at 11:53

See endless girls don’t go racing off on scooters without a backwards glance. My only hope is to engage the boys in developing their show-off poses (leg delicately extended arabesque like / looking like a drunken monkey trying to climb a tree) when they move slightly slower.

What is it about boys that they have such a need to show off? Never goes away does it?
Metropolitan Mum says:

November 14, 2009 at 16:12

I guess handing the responsibility over to someone else also means to agree with them doing it their way to a certain extent. Real dangerous stuff excluded, of course.
angels&urchinsblog says:

November 16, 2009 at 23:02

And girls never seem to feel the need to jump off sofas or throw themselves into puddles (not wanting to generalise, but as Brit in Bosnia says, there just doesn’t seem to be the overwhelming desire to show off, at least in a physical way, from girls).

Metropolitan Mum -that is a very good point. If you hand ‘em over, you have to accept that not everything will be done in the same way you’d do it, good or bad. Which might be why there’s sometimes a backlash if you do ‘snitch’.
gail says:

November 24, 2009 at 09:47

People always want to feel they have a good nanny because admitting that their nanny is a bit lacking is so awful. We have had a lot of people over the years, one turned out to be a drunk, one (we are still not sure) might have semi been on the game! (terrible I know, she was, with hindsight, really dodgy!)

But some people expect their nanny to be mary bloody poppins, and let’s face it, she is a made up fantasy!

On another note, girls not behaving like boys? Ok, my eldest daughter is quite cautious, but number 2 has already, purely thru her own folly and bravado, had 29 stitches in her own face (3 separate incidents). I feel your pain, mothers of boys, but do not think that all girls like doing Binka work and icing fairy cakes!
parenting tips says:

February 19, 2010 at 09:13

Thanks for writing about this. You’ve got a lot of really good information here on your web site. I’m very! I have a few blogs that I try to keep somewhat live myself but it’s a struggle sometimes. You have done a very nice job with this one. How in the world do you do it?
Tori Braham says:

May 7, 2010 at 09:25

Great blog, really.
Giuseppe Duwe says:

July 13, 2010 at 21:28

entertaining point you’ve made in regards to child care.
Dannie Jacque says:

August 16, 2010 at 18:57

Great post. Can’t wait to read the next ones
Emma May says:

October 12, 2011 at 08:18

Hey there! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I really enjoy reading your articles. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects? Appreciate it!

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