Come on kids, there are bubbles with the bedtime song tonight

I haven’t been able to get my head around Lady Gaga. She’s been everywhere, is played constantly on the radio and downloaded every few seconds, and has featured on countless magazine covers. Gossip columns have followed her every move, from her penchant for toting around a gold-rimmed, flower strewn cup and saucer, to her love for skin-tight rubber. But I wouldn’t be able to pick her out in a police line up, and it’s because it’s so hard to tell what she looks like without the ‘look’. Which feels wrong.

This is the celebrity being talked about as the ‘now’ Madonna. If Gaga’s career goes on as long, she’ll be tootling away when my children are my age. So I don’t want to be the mother who blinks and says, ‘Lady Gogo? Who’s she again?’ whenever her name is mentioned.

So I decided to study this New York doll, and realised why I couldn’t place her. It’s not my age and being a frump, hurrah, but the fact that Lady Gaga is going undercover. She is, in fact, a school run mum. Truly. Let me lay down the incontrovertible evidence:

• Gaga always wears a wig. Usually blond, but long, choppy, neat bob or space age quiff, none of it is her own. How sensible. No worries about looking a heap with the other classroom mums, just stick on the acrylic, and instant playground chic guaranteed.
• Her outfits are wipe-clean. Genius. No more vomit or leftover porridge from a sticky finger smeared all over her shoulder. When she spots the phlegm, she can just wipe and go.
• Her performance on the X Factor took place in a giant bath. Talk about multi-tasking. Throw in all the children (don’t know how many she has, but again, she might be like Madonna and pick one up in every continent). Hose the tribe down – wipe-clean outfit coming in handy once again – pick up the microphone, and get on with the performance. The X Factor set even included a giant loo so the children could do a pre-bed wee at the same time.
• Lady Gaga doesn’t want anyone to know what she looks like. The wigs, the make-up, the fact that she only let the Dermott interview her while in the bath so we couldn’t see how tall she is. She knows she’ll be called in to do a solo at the Nativity, and she simply doesn’t have the time. Far easier to hide behind the sunglasses.
• Sometimes, even the make-up can’t hide how tired Gaga is. Every mother knows why, and can only feel sorry for the poor little chart topper and five-time Grammy nominee. Try telling children that a gig and after-show party going on till 3am means that 5.30am is not a civilised time to wake up.
• Her new album is called The Lady Monster. She’s tweeted about it. “Xfactor, jingleball, the queen and royal variety. I will brave another 24 hrs in these heels and dress, because my monsters would want me to.” She can only be talking about her children. She’s probably got girls, they do love a nice pair of heels.

I tell you, Lady Gaga is a yummy mummy. You might even be doing a  car pool with her. Look out for strands of acrylic hair and a strange fondness for rubber cardigans, and hum along politely whenever Poker Face comes on the radio.