Does this picture make you go "aaah" or "AARGH!"?

I’m still incensed by the Eight Boys and Wanting a Girl Cutting Edge TV documentary. And I still don’t get it. Mothers with a parade of gorgeous, healthy boys drinking cranberry juice, douching with diluted vinegar, and avidly reading online conception websites to see how many women managed to conceive a girl following such methods as using lime-soaked tampons, or having sex two days before ovulation. Others went still further, flying to America to try their luck with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD), something that’s illegal in the UK, unless trying to prevent inheritable diseases. Some of these mothers seemed fraught to the point of derangement, sobbing at baby scans that revealed ‘another boy’ and regretting a life without shopping trips and helping choose a wedding dress. At the extreme end of the scale were tales of abortions, adoptions and post-birth Prozac.

Are boys really so bad?

Having a family, and deciding on the number of children you have, is clearly a lifestyle choice. Likewise, how you bring up your children is also up to you. But having a child so you can go shopping with her seems a strange priority. For every father who is overjoyed to have a little footballer in the family, there’s probably another sitting glumly on the terraces, while Tom, Dick or Harry takes himself off to learn modern dance. Who says a daughter is going to want to spend her days having facials? She might actively take against pink – especially if her mother is so keen to be girly. While most parents love their children unconditionally, that’s not to say they’re going to share the same interests.

Of course, I might just be taking the documentary far too personally. I have three boys, and the morning after watching Eight Girls and Wanting a Boy I was booked in for a 12-week scan for baby four. During my last pregnancy, I lost count of the number of people who asked me if “I was prepared for another boy”, and “Will you keep on going till you get a girl?” I’m now dreading telling anyone I’m pregnant, because the remarks are likely to be worse fourth time around. I discovered that laughing it off with a, “Pretty pleased with the boys I’ve got, thanks” made me sound defensive. Other times, after another night of pregnancy nausea and barely sleeping with the two existing children, I was less composed. Once I even said to a particularly annoying mother of three girls, “The scan couldn’t pick up on the gender – it might be a hermaphrodite”.

This desire for girls can’t just be about creating shopping companions. There seems to be a widespread malaise about boys. Research commissioned last year for Women in Journalism revealed very few positive news stories about teenage boys, while male pupils are lagging further and further behind their female classmates at school. Books such as Raising Cain and Real Boys reveal problems with young male psyches caused by narrow definitions of the ‘right’ way to behave. In a classroom, this translates as boys as young as four and five being labelled as problematic, when all they’re doing is finding it hard to sit  down because their bodies are telling them to run around.

 So, for the record, I genuinely don’t care if my fourth baby is male or female. I’m told the odds of having a girl after four boys are very low. Well, fine by me. My house is regularly turned upside down by jumping, running and kicking boys. They scrap, are obsessed with pirates and Lego, and don’t shirk away from mud. But they also help me bake cakes, paint endless pictures, and love being read to. Admittedly, they don’t like shopping, but the plus side is that getting them dressed takes about two seconds because none of them care about what they wear. Are girls the same? I’m unlikely to find out, but do know that healthy children are a blessing, and to be blessed four times over is nothing short of a miracle. Which is why I’ll be happy, whether I get to think pink or not.

Tags: The Urchin Rants

1. YummyNo1 says:

   February 9, 2010 at 15:11

   I too was appalled by this programme – just shocking! The likening not being able to have a girl to being infertile? Bursting into tears when one found out she was expecting another boy? Discarding the male embryos?
   Made for ghastly viewing, so so sad : (
2. Home Office Mum says:

   February 9, 2010 at 15:15

   I watched it too and also felt slightly angry with the women, seeing their gorgeous boys charging about while they wept. But on the other hand, I can understand their longing for a girl. I wanted a girl, not to go shopping with (in fact the poor child would be the worst dressed girl ever if she took after me) but because I want to know how my mother felt – having a mother / daughter relationship. I want to know what it’s like to be on the flip side of that coin.

   But then again, I have two boys who I love and adore – see my most recent post http://homeofficemum.blogspot.com/2010/02/joy-of-boys.html – and I think I’m very, very lucky for getting to experience ‘men’ from a completely different perspective, which the mothers of all girls will just never know.
3. Susan Mann says:

   February 9, 2010 at 15:32

   Truthfully, I wasn’t angry at these woman, I felt for them. I too long for a girl but not for shopping or pink but because I didn’t have a great childhood and I want to have the mother daughter bond I didn’t have. Wrong I know, therefore I am glad I didn’t have a girl. I love my two boys and wouldn’t swap them for the world. I do feel these women were a bit over the top and I felt that they were missing out on the bond and life they could have with their boys because they were so focused on a girl. Boys are great, I never knew until I had my two princes. Thanks for the post. xx
4. Glenland ladybird says:

   February 9, 2010 at 15:39

   I have 5 boys and a girl. She isn’t number 6. There’s a wee bit about gender difference on my latest blog but it’s mostly about equality for women. http://glenlandmotherofsix.blogspot.com/
5. angels&urchinsblog says:

   February 9, 2010 at 15:59

   YummyMummy1 – I nearly cried when one of the mothers likened having another boy to infertility. I’m sure she didn’t really mean it in quite such dramatic terms, but I didn’t feel she quite understood how lucky she was.

   Home Office Mum – Looking forward to reading Joys of Boys, and yes, I do empathise with your point about not experiencing the mother/daughter relationship. I just felt the mothers weren’t counting their blessings enough, and letting their longing for pink take over from the rest of their (happy looking) lives.

   Susan Mann – I don’t think wanting a mother daughter bond is wrong, but I just felt so sad that wanting it so badly seemed to overshadow what seemed such enviable lives. Love your comment about your ‘two princes’ – lucky, lucky them.

   Glenland ladybird – That is quite a family! I’ll come over and check out your latest post. Thank you for coming over and commenting.
6. New Mummy says:

   February 9, 2010 at 16:30

   That is te reason why I didn’t watch the show I would have gotten really angry. When I was pregnant with BG we didn’t want to find out the sex of the baby, we really wasn’t bothered what we had. I love having a girl but I would have loved a boy just the same
7. nappyvalleygirl says:

   February 9, 2010 at 17:15

   I didn’t see the programme but I can’t imagine how anyone could inflict that on their children – what are those boys going to think when they grow up and know that their mother felt that way and poured her heart out to the public about it?

   However, I do know what it’s like to want a girl. I have two gorgeous sons and love them hugely, and I’m glad to have had two of the same sex because it is so nice for them. But if I was to have a third, I would love to have a girl. I would love to experience that mother/daughter relationship, especially having lost my own mother at a relatively young age. But you can’t choose, so that’s that, and if I chose to have another, I would very much be prepared for having another beautiful little boy.

   By the way, congrats on the pregnancy!
8. angels&urchinsblog says:

   February 9, 2010 at 17:32

   New Mummy – That’s it, isn’t it? Being so excited about having a baby, rather than planning its future footballing or shopping career? We didn’t find out, but I became convinced that baby two was a girl, but I was still thrilled when a boy arrived. Bless ‘em all!

   NappyValleyGirl – It’s fab watching two children play happily together, and I adore watching mine setting up pirate battles and having scooter races and wrestling matches (actually, the latter not so much, but I’d better get used to it). You’re right, you can’t choose, and I probably secretly hope this bump is a girl. But it was sad thinking of the boys in the documentary asking their mums in a few years time if she really meant it. I still remember feeling crestfalllen when told that my father was bitterly disappointed that I wasn’t a boy.
9. Janice Clarke says:

   February 9, 2010 at 17:42

   I am another appalled viewer. If you want to go shopping in order to dress something in pretty outfits – buy a doll. My eldest daughter has a blue bedroom, likes wall climbing and has never owned anything pink or sparkly. Whereas my nephew (now 18 and will kill me for saying this) used to love wearing lipstick as a 3 year old!
10. Brit In Bosnia says:

    February 10, 2010 at 09:27

    Hooray for boys. I’m with you every step of the way here. I love boys. I’m sure I’d love girls if I had one, but I don’t so I’m all for the running, shouting, jumping, laughing, cheekiness of boys. I didn’t see the programme, but I do always wonder about people who long for a girl, what happens if they get a girl who just isn’t into girly things. I know of one family, the mother was an ex model, she longed for a daughter, got one, the daughter wasn’t a girly girl and the two now barely speak. Ever. Their relationship is probably the worst parent child relationship I have ever seen. But if the mum could have appreciated what she had, it could have been so different.

    But the whole wrestling thing. I could do without the wrestling thing.
11. Brit In Bosnia says:

    February 10, 2010 at 09:27

    PS – forgot to say, congrats on the pregnanacy. How very exciting!
12. angels&urchinsblog says:

    February 10, 2010 at 11:55

    Brit in Bosnia – Thank you! I feel so blessed about having a fourth, and very, very spoilt. Like you, though, I could do without the wrestling. I was changing a nappy last night when the two older ones jumped on my back and knocked me over. Hand ended up in poo, baby squirmed off onto the carpet, and I cricked my neck! So sad about the family with the ex model; if you set yourself up a certain ‘type’ of child you’re always going to be disappointed. I had a boss who was an Ab Fab type, forever wearing the new shoes or carrying the it trainers, and her daughter shaved her hair off and disappeared to a commune. Having forced said daughter to have makeovers, I could see why the commune might appeal.
13. babieswhobrunch says:

    February 16, 2010 at 21:19

    great post. i started off reading thinking, ouch, i secretly would have liked to see that because i have always always wanted a girl. and always known i’d get a boy (provided i was lucky enough to have either because trust me, i honestly don’t take it even remotely for granted…). and was indeed blessed with a boy. who is the loveliest, most wonderfulest boy in the world (and of course i’m not in the least bit biased!!). i know if i ever have another i’ll have another boy. so it’s reading blogs like this that make me look forward to that. if i’m lucky enough. and brit in bosnia’s comment was v interesting too.
14. angels&urchinsblog says:

    February 17, 2010 at 10:14

    Babieswhobrunch (do love the name, by the way) – I guess we all start out with ideas of our dream family, and then take what we get with open arms. Your boy sounds lovely (and if a mother can’t be a teeny bit biased, who can be?) and I wonder whether the next one (fingers crossed) will be pink or blue. Yes, Brit in Bosnia was pertinent as ever; though must say, I’m glad my mother isn’t a model!
15. Iota says:

    February 22, 2010 at 23:01

    I echo this post. I got so fed up when I was pregnant with #3, after 2 boys, and everyone assumed I’d want a girl. I really honestly didn’t mind at all (actually, quite wanted a 3rd boy, but no-one believed me when I said that). I did have a girl, and I’m now so glad I did, but I’d be just as thrilled to have 3 boys.
16. angels&urchinsblog says:

    February 23, 2010 at 09:51

    Iota – No-one ever believes you when you say you’re happy with the sex you’ve got, and wouldn’t mind continuing with it. And bet you’re chuffed to bits with your girl. Which is what I don’t get about the women in the documentary. I can imagine wondering what it might have been like to have had a girl, but can’t imagine being so obsessed with what that girl might be like, and how she might fill some lack, to go to the extremes they went to. All babies are wonderful! Particularly your own.
17. Sian says:

    February 25, 2010 at 13:09

    I’m one of several girls and I know my mother went through the same conversations you have about your boys-I think people think that having lots of the same gender is akin to having the same thing over and over, completely failing to take into account the massive differences in personality between the siblings that has nothing to do with gender!
18. angels&urchinsblog says:

    February 25, 2010 at 13:46

    Sian – That’s it exactly, the preconceived ideas about what you ‘want’ out of a child. Not fair on the child, and surely makes the parents head for huge disappointment? Thank you for putting the girls’ view across – your mother must be thrilled with her gorgeous brood, but wonder what she might have to say to the women in the documentary?
19. Samantha Clemons says:

    March 22, 2010 at 16:37

    I love this post! You have a great blog here!
20. Ciara Holtzen says:

    April 3, 2010 at 19:13

    Great post can you recommend any forums to join?
21. Lucina Douvia says:

    May 8, 2010 at 22:42

    I’m a wife myself, and this brought back memories of when I was pregnant and scared myself. If your pregnant and scared, give the Pregnancy Fear eBook a try. I love the author and she really knows her stuff.
22. Hannah Coffey says:

    September 5, 2010 at 12:36

    interesting by the way, for aspiring parents whom it may interest, I have just found an interesting site on influencing the chances of conceiving a girl or a boy, babygenderchooser.com. yes many of us do not really care, after all it’s our child, but sometimes you are like me and just want a son. and I am definitely trying out some of their tips.