Mummies don't get much yummier

Naturally, I was jealous as hell thrilled for Denise van Outen when she announced that she’d barely put on any weight during her pregnancy because she only craves fruit. Gnash, gnash, so, no biscuits, salt & vinegar crisps and my mother’s chocolate caramel squares? She looks fabulous, glowing and gorgeous (check her out in the Seraphine dress, right), and about the same size at seven months as me at four. I’m going to go and lie down and sulk very happy for her, and don’t at all resent the pregnancy nausea that I can only counteract by eating. And the foods that make me feel better for longer can be broadly categorised as stodge, stodge and more stodge.

So hurrah for Green & Black’s. Along with lots of other bloggers, I was sent a glorious, bulging parcel of different varieties of their chocolate bars, along with tasting notes. Sadly, I didn’t read the tasting notes before I’d wolfed down a bar of Milk Chocolate (made with more cocoa for a richer taste), and a chaser of a half bar of Cherry, because the instructions clearly said to eat chunk by chunk to ‘allow the chocolate to melt slowly on the tongue’. Sorry, I can only blame the bump.

After my exhaustive, scientific and reasoned tasting, I’ve made some shattering and life-changing discoveries. Green & Black’s offers a cure for all kinds of life’s woes. Broken hearts, fractious children, grumpy husband, nauseous pregnant mums – all can benefit from the cocoa-dense, anti-oxidant packed deliciousness that is Green & Black’s.

Morning sickness
You get morning sickness because of hormones, wonky blood sugar levels and a generally being dog-tired. And some women react to stress by feeling nauseous. Vitamin B6 can help you feel better, and guess what? There’s Vitamin B6 in chocolate, plus serotonin, the ‘feel good chemical’, which should help counteract the stress. As Green & Blacks has high concentrations of cocoa, it’s practically a morning sickness remedy in the form of a bar. You therefore owe it to yourself to eat little (or lots) of it, and often.

A broken heart
Eating chocolate is a tried and tested cure for heartache. But a brutally broken heart needs more than mere calories. Green & Black’s Cherry is a scarily grown-up mix of dark chocolate and bittersweet dried cherries. It’s a bit like eating a sour Jaw Breaker, giving moments of sweetness and light punctuated with wincing episodes when you have no choice but to suck your teeth and do a little dance. Just like a relationship, really.

Fractious children
Sugar highs and young children are not a combination made in heaven. Instead, wear them out by getting them baking. Our current favourite treats are chocolate chunk tiny cookies made in a 24-hole mini muffin pan. Make the dough, press into the pan, pop in half a square of Green & Black’s butterscotch, bake for 8 minutes. The second they come out the oven, pop a square of Green & Black’s milk chocolate on the top, and sigh happily as it melts woozily all over your creations. Wait as long as you can and eat. These go particularly well with vanilla ice cream.
250g plain flour
1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
1/2 tsp salt
170g unsalted butter, melted
200g soft brown sugar
100g caster sugar
1tbs vanilla extract
1 egg
1 egg yolk
325g chocolate chips (I prefer plain)
1 bar Green & Black’s Butterscotch

Small, sweet and very moreish

Ingredients

1) Pre-heat oven to 170.
2) Sift together flour, bicarbonate of soda, salt.
3) Cream together melted butter and caster sugars.
4) Beat in vanilla, egg and egg yolk until light and creamy
5) Mix in sifted ingredients, then stir in chocolate chips with a wooden spoon.
6) Roll into balls, squish into muffin tin, make into bowl shapes and pop a square of Green & Black’s Butterscotch into each ‘bowl’
7) Bake for around 12 minutes, and pop a square of Green & Black’s chocolate on the top of each one when still hot.

World Peace
If everyone ate a bit more chocolate, we’d all be happier and less likely to do aggressive things like fall out over oil fields off the Falkland Islands. Which means eating chocolate is kind of a duty to harmony, peace, love and hugs. If you need more persuasion, Green & Black’s uses organically grown cocoa beans, ingredients that are ethically sourced and all the bars are Fair Trade. So hopefully no-one need suffer for your chocolate hit, and will, in fact actively benefit from your purchase. And there aren’t many addictions you can say that about.

Another hard day in the office...