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Unsolicited advice for a new mum?
Wednesday, March 17th, 2010
As I was leaving an Underground Station yesterday, I saw a mother with a tiny baby in a sling. The mother didn’t look as though she’d used the sling very often, and the baby looked too young and small to have his or her head and neck unsupported and exposed to the elements. The mother fiddled with the sling a little, adjusting it to make it sit more comfortably on her shoulder, but not enough to provide any support. I hesitated, and debated whether I should go and help. And eventually I walked away because I was worried that a bossy mum rushing over wouldn’t be seen as help, but as interference.
I’ve never forgotten an early trip out with my first baby. I got the wrong bus, and ended up having to walk for what felt like miles in an unfamilar area. Deciding to cut across a busy junction by using an underpass, I hadn’t realised that on the other side were steep stairs up, then down, then up again. As I was banging the buggy down the steps, a strident woman strode over and berated me about my ‘poor little baby’s back! Don’t you realise how fragile his spine is?’ She then marched off. I’m not sure whether she wanted me to continue banging the buggy, or leave baby where he was. Either way, she didn’t offer to help but left me mortified, then angry – how dare she boss me, caring mother, about?
So did I do the right thing in leaving the mother and baby to their own devices? I don’t think much harm could have come to the little mite in the sling, but what if his or her head lolled back and caused a problem? I had a fitful night’s sleep because of it, and am still not sure of the answer. No one wants to be bossed, but if I’d found the right words then maybe I should have stepped in. Help. What would you have done?
Tags: The Urchin Rants
13 Responses to “Unsolicited advice for a new mum?”
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I think we’ve all been there and had those moments where we wonder weather we should go and say something for whatever it is that a mother is doing.
I know I would have walked away, I would like to think I would have offered a poliete hand if she looked like she was struggling then maybe suggest a better way she could do it in an offhand comment not so direct but in reality I wouldnt and I know it!
I would hate it if another mother approached me and told me how to parent my child, unforunately that happened alot when I first had him as I was only 16!
If I was brave enough (Not convinced I would be) I think I might have made a joke along the lines of: gosh, I really battled with slings. Took me ages to get the hang of them. You need an extra set of hands to get them right. Want to borrow mine?
But I probably would have bottled it and not said anything.
I would have upbraided her for not practicing at home and making a complete fool of herself in public, given her a pinch and marched off…
OK, Ok I would have done exactly the same as Home Office Mum, something along the lines of ; what a gorgeous baby, so precious. I remember when mine were that size, I couldn’t get the hang of the sling until someone showed me this trick. etc. I think the key to offering unsolicited advice is to disguise it deep in the heart of a conversation, preferably with lots of compliments.
I had exactly the same problem as you, except I was bumping my baby’s stroller down the steps of the Capitol Building in Atlanta. A very smart and official looking man walked up to me and said ‘Don’t hurt your baby’s booty’ picked up the other end of Imogen’s stroller and helped me down the rest of the stairs. Quick, efficient, and to the point. I was very grateful for the unobtrusive help.
Hayley – Wow! A mum at 16. I’m sure if another mother ever approached you with parenting advice (unwanted or not) she was probably pretty jealous about your energy levels. With this mother, I didn’t want to come across as a know-it-all, but then felt a bit stupid for not helping with something that would have taken five seconds to sort out.
Home Office Mum – thank you. That is exactly what I should have done. A bit like those witty remarks you only think up after the event, though at least I’ll have something to try next time around.
veryanniemary – Heh heh! And yes, compliments rather than sounding officious would have hopefully worked. I’m only worried because it looked unsafe, but potentially so easy to fix. And wish your ‘booty’ guy had been around to help me; what a sweetheart.
Where angels fear to tread… But in this case she might have really welcomed a tip from someone who knows. Bet I wouldn’t have been brave enough though, especially in a hurry. So I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it, and all new mums make mistakes and sometimes you have too learn from them by yourself.
I don’t think I’d have been brave enough to approach her but like you I’d have probably had a few sleepless nights about it. I imagine she will have got it sorted in the end but it’s a difficult one.
It is a tricky one. I know some of my mummy friends have had people come up to them to criticise the way they should be doing something with their baby and they’ve been pretty annoyed about it. Good advice in the other comments though about trying to say it a non-obvious, kind, jokey way. I’m never good at coming out with those kinds of things on a whim myself though, so would probably have done just as you did.
Maggie F -Just hope the mistake didn’t damage the baby’s poor neck (goodness, I’m definitely turning into my mother…)
Jo Beaufoix – Thank you. And I’m sure she would have got it sorted in about two seconds. Just know I could have sorted it, which I think makes me an annoying fusspot!
Mummy Zen – Criticism, however well meant, is usually quite hard to take (look how well I’m forgetting the buggy and steps incident, over four years ago!). But some people have a real knack for making advice sound totally inoffensive, and helpful. Need to practice my jokey but kind voice!
Tough one! I would go up to her, reassuring her that I’d had exactly the same issues (even if I hadn’t) and try and help her get comfy. There’s nothing worse than struggling, even with a tiny almost weightless newborn, the more you try and get sorted, the sweatier and more tearful you get!
I think there is helping and bossing. Mums have stopped and helped me get round tricky corners with the buggy before, or picked up a bag for me and I’ve been so grateful.
We’ve got to lend each other a hand, even at risk of bossing, we want you to notice and help really, we’re just a little proud on the surface!
x
Baby Genie – That made me chuckle, I have been the sweating and tearful fumbling mum sooo many times!
Really tricky one.
I remember wandering round the local park with my 5 week old yelling blue murder in the pram (they were once called ‘prams’ not ‘travel systems’ – quaint, I know), and two old biddies audibly talked to each other about how “that baby is too young to be out” – all for my benefit. It totally knocked my confidence.
I think it’s probably best not to intervene, as mothers generally have an instinct about what will damage their babies, and that kicks in before any serious damage is done. Having said that, I once saw a mother sit her baby on a bench in the swimming pool changing room while she changed, and I kept thinking “that baby will fall, that baby will fall”, did nothing, and sure enough the baby did fall. Then I did feel bad.
[...] important subjects. We regularly have a little rant about such serious topics as whether to interfere when a mother is struggling with a piece of baby equipment, or to debate the merits of parents being [...]