I’m not suggesting that anyone would use a magazine such as Heat or Closer as a guide on how to run their life. But just imagine if you decided that the lives depicted within their gossipy pages were something to aspire to. This week it’s all about Jordan’s ‘desperate plan’ to have another baby. Apparently, her marriage will fall apart if she doesn’t get pregnant soon, not to mention her career, because the public are ‘more sympathetic’ to her when she’s sprogging.

Because, as we all know, having a baby is a surefire way to prop up a failing marriage, and make yourself more popular.

In a similar vein, Posh is allegedly going to ‘eat more & try for another child’ because, like Jordan, she’s ‘fighting’ for her marriage. Again, having another baby, one of the world’s most stressful things to do, is totally going to give her love life some oomph.

I’m starting to feel like Mary Whitehouse, but what’s going on? In a recent issue of Heat, I read all about how Cheryl Cole  was actually quite pleased that England had played so uselessly in the World Cup, because otherwise she  might have been ‘drawn back to Ashley’. Now, I know you’ve had malaria and all, oh The People’s Geordie Princess, but I don’t recall marriage vows declaring, ‘To love, honour and cherish WHILE HIS CAREER IS GOING WELL AND HIS LEFT FOOT SAVES THE NATION’.

In Closer it’s revealed that Kerry Katona’s manager Claire would, ‘prefer Kerry to be single or hooking up with another celebrity’, the sub-text being, ‘rather than a normal bloke who isn’t in the public eye and won’t do anything to boost your ratings’. I applaud any single mother who dedicates herself to her career, but using your manager to make romantic decisions for you? You might just as well ask your ex or his mother what they think, and expect a sensible answer.

Sigh. Sad old world, isn’t it, sniffed granny… But if your life is feeling a little out of control, you could do worse than read a weekly magazine and do the complete opposite of anything the celebs within the pages are doing. You might not end up a size zero, or dating a serially unfaithful millionaire, but at least none of your body parts will explode the next time you board an aircraft.