‘Oh you just wait’, various parents of teenagers have said to me, ‘Just you wait’. I’ve pressed them on what exactly is so bad about teenagers, but haven’t heard anything that sounds too awful. Specific examples have included: ’They eat you out of house and home’. Hmmmm, better than two-hour lunch-a-thons where you try in vain to interest tot in more than a mouthful of organic, home-cooked five-vegetable spaghetti bolognaise. ‘They’d sleep all day if they could!’ Again, no sympathy – we all know newborns and toddlers would be awake all night if left to their own devices.
Anyway, as night follows day, isn’t it a teenager’s job to rebel against a parent? Look at Saffy in Absolutely Fabulous – the ultra-sensible cardigan-wearer to her mother’s ill-advised hot pants and boob tubes ensembles, muddled together while under the influence of too much Bollinger. At the other end of the scale there’s Katy Perry, chucking her evangelical preacher father’s teachings out of the window, and (according to Dad) following ‘Satan’s path’ with ditties such as ‘I Kissed a Girl’.
I thought that we were supposed to do the opposite of anything our parents get up to, part of an evolutionary rite of passage to ensure that the world isn’t solely populated by Archers-listening baldies wearing easy-iron shirts.
So what’s with Lourdes Ciccone being so darned cool? Instead of designing her own Material Girl clothing range, shouldn’t she be staring at her mother and declaiming, ‘You are sooooo embarassing in those Adidas pants, mum, and what’s with the trilby?’ How come she’s not suing her father, a personal trainer to the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, for giving her ‘body issues’? And why isn’t she chucking the macrobiotic mung beans out of the fridge in favour of burgers, while proclaiming her right to get spotty?
I tell you, kids aren’t what they used to be. And I’m jealous. Madonna seems to be doing a fantastic job of bringing up her daughter. Lourdes is clearly never going to have a nine-to-five kind of existence, but is, by all accounts, a polite little jet-setter. Judging by her early entrepreneurial streak and her blog, she’s inherited her mother’s work ethic, as well as her sense of style. And she looks fabulous. Mum and daughter are often papped while wearing the same striped top or leather jacket, and you can imagine them swapping style tips over the breakfast egg white omelette.
It’s just not right. Someone should tell them that they’re supposed to be slamming doors in each other’s faces, not partying hand in hand at the same venues.
Madonna, in the unlikely event that you’re reading this, get Lourdes making jam and listening to Radio 4. She’s going to rebel at some point, so you might as well give her something to react to. Otherwise she might surprise you by enrolling in a Classics degree and learning how to tap dance.