The Stig visited our elder son’s school yesterday. He created chaos (the Stig that is, not my son), with teachers suspending lessons and mothers trying to pull him into their cars. A pupil had won a prize of a lift home with Stig, and the entire school descended on the playground at home time to watch. My lot didn’t know who he was, not being Top Gear fans (or rather, their mother not being a Top Gear fan) but loved seeing someone in a racing outfit and helmet.
I took five children home that day, including two of my own. And here is what they knew about the Stig
- The Stig has never taken off his helmet. Without it he cannot breathe
- The Stig might be a girl
- The Stig’s best friend is silly
- The Stig is actually a cartoon
- The Stig is also an astronaut which is why he wears a space suit
- If you look at The Stig’s bare face then you will turn into The Stig
So there you have it. And I totally agree with all the statements, especially the one about his best friend being silly, as I’m taking that to mean Jeremy Clarkson.
Little Mix. A band like this makes me feel I’m looking endlessly into mirrors, watching the same people reflected into infinity. Little Mix is a manufactured band created from manufactured contestants. This is confusing and poignant at the same time, revealing how interchangeable and forgettable most Xfactor rejects and winners are destined to be. They might win. They might not. They certainly won’t be remembered in five months time. Sweet girls with bubbly personalities and long legs and eyelashes, one of them has been subject to some nasty comments on Twitter about her looks and weight (she’s all of nine stone to the other girls’ seven). In the absence of any real life stories this has served as the ‘personality’ bit in the girls’ camp.
Janet Devlin. My goodness, if this girl could be distilled, bottled and freely distributed, there would no longer be any need for Bambi, Moshi Monsters or kittens. Spray yourself with essence of wide-eyed Irish girl infused with top notes of tumbling brook-washed organic hair, and instantly feel as though you’re sitting next to a peat burning fire eating fresh baked soda bread. Sigh. You just want to give Janet a big hug and a mug of hot chocolate. Will this sell records? Not sure, but what is certain is that Janet is definitely not Lady Gaga.
Craig Colton. Also known as the Incredible Shrinking Man. Gary, who has revealed himself to be quite the headmaster figure, has him on a strict diet of tofu, and mung bean shakes. This cute as a button Liverpudlian still lives with his parents, has a lovely voice, and never stops smiling. One of the favourites to win. But would you recognise him if you passed him in the street?
Marcus Collins. There’s nothing wrong with this guy. He can sing, he can dance, he dresses well and – unlike most of the other contestants – hasn’t let the show’s stylists turn him into a cross between someone forced to wear a cross between a Christmas cracker and an extra from Glee’s leftover outfit. He’s the favourite, and apparently gets the ‘mums’ vote’, whatever that is.
Amelia Lily. I didn’t watch Xfactor at the beginning, making it even more annoying that I’ve been sucked in during the latter stages. So I don’t have a clue who Amelia Lily is. She looks like someone from American Xfactor, all polished skin, perfect teeth and tumbling yellow locks that it’s probably safe to assume you shouldn’t get too close to with a naked flame. She’s good. Not sure why she got called back to replace that naughty Frankie, but I could find out on Google in a nanosecond. Which is probably how long Amelia Lily will enjoy being famous.
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Sweetpea
Kingpin Suite
Frumoo
